Have you ever set a goal for yourself, like getting fit, making honor roll, or being picked for a team? Like lots of people, maybe you started out doing great, but then lost some of that drive and had trouble getting motivated again.
You're Not Alone!
Everyone struggles with staying motivated and reaching their goals. Just look at how many people go on diets, lose weight, and then gain it back again!
The reality is that refocusing, changing, or making a new start on something, no matter how small, is a big deal. But it's not impossible. With the right approach, you can definitely do it.
Getting — and Staying — Motivated
So how do you stay motivated and on track with your goal? It all comes down to good planning, realistic expectations, and a stick-to-it attitude. Here's what you need to do:
First, know your goal. Start by writing down your major goal. Your major goal is the ultimate thing you'd like to see happen. For example, "I want to make honor roll," or "I want to get fit enough to make the cross-country team," or even, "I want to play in the Olympics" are all major goals because they're the final thing the goal setter wants to see happen (obviously, some goals take longer and require more work than others). It's OK to dream big. That's how people accomplish stuff. You just have to remember that the bigger the goal, the more work it takes to get there.
Make it specific. It's easier to plan for and master a specific goal than a vague one. Let's say your goal is to get fit. That's pretty vague. Make it specific by defining what you want to achieve (such as muscle tone and definition or endurance), why you want to get fit, and by when. This helps you make a plan to reach your goal.
Make it realistic. People often abandon their goals because their expectations are unreasonable. Maybe they expect to get ripped abs in weeks rather than months, or to quit smoking easily after years of lighting up.
Let's say you want to run a marathon. If you try to run the entire distance of 26.2 miles tomorrow without any training, you're unlikely to succeed. It takes the average person 4 months of training to run that far! But the bigger risk is that you'll get so bummed out that you'll give up your marathon dreams — and running — altogether.
Part of staying motivated is being realistic about what you can achieve within the timeframe you've planned. Competing on the Olympic ski team is a workable goal if you are 15 and already a star skier. But if you're 18 and only just taking your first lesson, time isn't exactly on your side.
Write it down. Put your specific goal in writing. Then write it down again. And again. Research shows that writing down a goal is part of the mental process of committing to it. Write your goal down every day to keep you focused and remind you how much you want it.
Break it down. Making any change takes self-discipline. You need to pay constant attention so you don't get sidetracked. One way to make this easier is to break a big goal into small steps. For example, let's say you want to run a marathon. If it's February and the marathon is in August, that's a realistic timeframe to prepare. Start by planning to run 2 miles and work up gradually to the distance you need.
Then set specific daily tasks, like eating five servings of fruit and veggies and running a certain amount a day. Put these on a calendar or planner so you can check them off. Ask a coach to help you set doable mini-goals for additional mile amounts and for tasks to improve your performance, such as exercises to build strength and stamina so you'll stay motivated to run farther.
Reaching frequent, smaller goals is something to celebrate. It gives you the confidence, courage, and motivation to keep running — or doing whatever it is you're aiming to do. So reward yourself!
Check in with your goal. Now that you've broken your goal down into a series of mini-goals and daily tasks, check in every day.
It helps to write down your small goals in the same way you wrote down your big goal. That way you can track what you need to do, check off tasks as you complete them, and enjoy knowing that you're moving toward your big goal.
As you accomplish a task, check it off on your list. Tell yourself, "Hey, I've run 10 miles, I'm nearly halfway to my goal!" Reward yourself with something you promised yourself when you set your goal. Feel successful — you are! Now think ahead to accomplishing the rest of your goal: "What do I have to do to reach 26 miles? How am I going to make the time to train?"
Writing down specific steps has another advantage: If you're feeling weak on willpower you can look at your list to help you refocus!
Recommit to your goal if you slip up. If you slip up, don't give up. Forgive yourself and make a plan for getting back on track.
Pat yourself on the back for everything you did right. Don't beat yourself up, no matter how far off track you get. Most people slip up when trying to make a change — it's a natural part of the process.
Writing down daily tasks and mini-goals helps here too. By keeping track of things, you'll quickly recognize when you've slipped up, making it easier to refocus and recommit to your goal. So instead of feeling discouraged, you can know exactly where you got off track and why.
What if you keep slipping up? Ask yourself if you're really committed to your goal. If you are, recommit — and put it in writing. The process of writing everything down may also help you discover when you're not really committed to a goal. For example, perhaps you're more in love with the fantasy of being a star athlete than the reality, and there's something else that you'd rather be or do.
View slip-ups as lessons and reminders of why you're trying to make a change. When you mess up, it's not a fault — it's an opportunity to learn something new about yourself. Say your goal is to fight less with your brother or sister. You may learn that it's better to say, "I can't talk about this right now" and take time to calm down when you feel your temper growing out of control.
Keep a stick-to-it attitude. Visualize yourself achieving your goal: a toned you in your prom dress or a successful you scoring the winning soccer goal. Self-visualization helps you keep what you're trying to accomplish in mind. It helps you believe it's possible. You can also call up your mental picture when willpower and motivation are low.
Positive self-talk also boosts your attitude and motivation. Tell yourself, "I deserve to make the honor roll because I've really been working hard" or "I feel great when I swim — I'm doing well on my exercise plan!"
Share with a friend. Another boost is having supportive people around you. Find a running buddy, a quit smoking buddy, or someone else with a similar goal so you can support each other. Having a goal buddy can make all the difference in times when you don't feel motivated — like getting up for that early-morning run.
If you're not getting support from someone when you really need it, you may need to take a break from that friendship and surround yourself with people who want to help you succeed. For instance, if you've been going to your friend's house to study together every Thursday after school, but now your pal is turning on the TV, IMing friends online, or gabbing on the phone and ignoring your pleas to get down to work, it's time to find another study buddy. You can't stay focused on your goal if your friend doesn't share that goal — or, even worse, is trying to hold you back. Seek out others who are on the same path you are and work with them instead.
Don't Give Up!
Ending an unhealthy behavior or creating a new, exciting one is all about taking responsibility for our lives. Finding the motivation to do it isn't necessarily easy, but it is always possible. You can stay motivated by writing down your goals, sticking to your schedule, and reminding yourself of what led you to set your goal in the first place. Change is exciting — we'd all be very bored without it.
Good luck in reaching your goals!
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Showing posts with label Your Mind. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Your Mind. Show all posts
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
_YouR secRets to sTayinG MotiVatEd_
Most Common Goals
We gave our survey-takers examples of some common types of resolutions and asked if their resolutions fit into these categories. Here's how the goals we asked about ranked in terms of popularity:
1. Lose weight.
2. Do something for personal development (e.g., learn a new skill or hobby, overcome shyness, be nicer to others).
3. Do better in school.
4. Get more exercise.
5. Kick a bad habit (e.g., smoking or cutting).
Making It Happen . . .
To reach a goal, it helps to have a plan with specific steps. It also helps to tell your goal to someone you trust — supportive friends and family come in very handy for those times when your willpower's doing a couch potato act.But do people really make plans and ask for support? Or do they just wing it? Our survey says it's a bit of both: 55% of our survey-takers said they made specific plans, but 45% said they just let things happen. And while 49% shared their resolution with someone else, 51% preferred to keep it private.
The people who do plan and share their goals gave us lots of tips on making it work. For example:
Kyla, 13, says, "I make plans about eating and exercising, and I plan what I am going to do when I reach my desired weight. I encourage myself every day."
Anne, 16, says, "I look at a sheet of paper where I have written down all of my dreams."
Sarah, 14, says, "I make a list because I like to tick things off when I get them done, and I feel guilty when I'm not able to tick them off, so it keeps me on track."
Liliana, 15, says, "I talk to my family about it - it really works!"
Jasmine, 17, says, "I go to the gym with my sister."
Kaylee, 14, says she gets support from "talking to my boyfriend and him telling me that he is really proud of me."
The people who love you can help you stick with a goal or make a change. But what about the people who just pretend to care? Ondrea, 13, says, "Friends can also be a bad influence." She told us she needs to stay away from the people she hung out with last year if she's going to keep her resolution.
. . . or Not
It can be tough to stick with a goal for a long time, especially when you don't have the right support. Of the people in our survey who gave up on their resolutions, most (39%) said it was because they couldn't get motivated to do it.
The fact that so many people give up on resolutions is one reason why 23% of our survey-takers said they don't make any resolutions at all. "I wouldn't be able to keep the resolution, I never do," says Maritza, 18.
Staying Positive
Although some people do give up, our survey shows that most of you are definitely not quitters. An impressive 92% of our survey-takers are still on target to meet their goals.
What's even more impressive is that more than a third of them say they slipped up but then got back on track again. That's hard to do. When people stray from their goals, it's tempting to give up altogether. But slip-ups are actually part of the learning process. Congratulations to everyone who recognized this and recommitted to their resolution!
Our respondents are optimistic about reaching their goals — and that optimism may help keep them on track. Genevieve, 13, told us, "I want more than anything in the world to be on Broadway or the West End." This girl isn't just dreaming, though. She's enrolled in stage school and is taking classes. "I love to sing, dance, and act and you know what? I'm going to do it!" Genevieve says. "Watch this space!"
Thinking positively helps people achieve goals. And Genevieve's pretty typical of our respondents:
* Half of respondents said they were "very confident" that they'd reach their goals.
* 43% reported that they were "somewhat confident" they'd reach their goals.
* Only 7% of our survey-takers said they didn't think they'd make it.
Optimism brings success. And success in turn can help people stay motivated to keep going. Tiffany, 17, made a resolution to get more exercise because she was feeling out of shape. She told us, "After 1 week of staying on track, I realized I felt energized, slept better, and my confidence went up." Tiffany is very confident that she will continue exercising.
Angie, 13, says, "My friends help me keep my mind off junk foods. Since they know I'm not eating them anymore they watch what I eat. But, honestly, I don't crave junk food anymore."
Staying Motivated
Recognizing and enjoying small successes is one motivator for people who are trying to stick with a resolution. Here are some of the other things that keep our readers going:
A little competitive spirit works for Yusra, 13, who told us, "I play soccer a lot with my friends and that motivates me, especially when I'm losing. Also, I play with my dad and his friends and they are really big and strong so that also drives me to do better when I play with them."
Nick, 14, is already good at football. He could stop there, but he wants to push himself to get even better. To improve his skills he says, "I watch my old tapes every day."
Brigid, 15, made a resolution to get into her school's spring musical. "Since this is my first year in high school, it was harder to get in," she said. "I practiced my audition piece a lot and did my best at the tryouts." Brigid's work paid off, and she was able to tell us, "I made it!"
Amanda, 15, told us, "When I saw my last grade report it had a C on it. It made me upset because I didn't try as hard as I could have. To stay motivated and inspired I just keep looking back on that grade report and say to myself, 'I know I can do better than that.' "
Taking inspiration from someone or something else also helps many of you. Lots of readers talked about looking up to someone they knew who had accomplished a goal. One 13-year-old girl who wants to lose weight to manage her diabetes told us, "I picture my aunt because she had diabetes and did it, so I can do it too."
Another 13-year-old who is trying to overcome a cutting problem told us, "Cutting is a bad habit that is hard to break. I try to think about what my school guidance counselor told me and how much my teachers and counselor care."
When Times Are Tough
A number of you made resolutions to help overcome serious difficulties. Some of the people who took our survey said they had been hospitalized for depression, eating disorders, and even attempted suicide. One 14-year-old told us that she is motivated to work through her problems because "I don't want to end up back in the hospital or dead."
If things are really tough, making a resolution to change often isn't enough. It can be hard to stay motivated when you're doing it alone. People with serious problems need help from friends and family. Fortunately, lots of you get it.
Dana and Tina (not their real names) are two 14-year-old friends who wrote to share their experience. Dana told us her resolution is to "keep helping my friend [Tina] in rehab for an eating disorder and to get her out and keep her healthy when she is ready."
Tina told us how it happened. "I had a really bad smoking and drinking habit, and I suffer from an eating disorder. I decided I wanted to become healthy, but it was hard so I stopped trying and kept starving myself and smoking and drinking. But it was my best friend who caught me forcing myself to throw up."
"I caught her outside puking purposely," Dana told us. "I convinced her life was ticking away like a timer, and she said she needed help. So I told her parents and now instead of shopping I spend money going to see her [in rehab]. I think [she] appreciates it."
"She is my life saver," says Tina. "Thanks to her I have already achieved one step in my goal. I admitted I have a problem and got help."
If you're struggling with some heavy problems, admitting them and reaching out to a friend for help is the first step to recovery. Sometimes friends even see problems before the person is ready to recognize them. If you're feeling too depressed or down on yourself that you can't even get motivated to change, talk to someone. And listen when a friend like Dana gets up the nerve to talk to you about your troubles.
Focus on Accomplishments, Not Failures
If you've made a resolution that's a struggle to keep, it can help to focus on the little things that you achieve, rather than thinking about what you've done wrong or when you've slipped up.
Tell yourself how much better you feel. Like Ariel, 14, who says, "I think of how much healthier I'm eating and how eating an apple instead of a piece of cake makes you feel better." Or Alexis, 13, who says, "When I cut down 'media' time and go for a run, the gym, or play outside, I feel refreshed, and healthy."
Give yourself rewards, like Anna, 13, who stays motivated to get schoolwork and studying done because "afterwards I can use the Internet and watch TV."
Most of all, take it easy on yourself. "Just take it one day at a time, then a week, then a month - and then it will be a year!" says Katherine, 13.
Change Comes More Than Once a Year
A new year isn't the only time to make a change for the better. In fact, quite a few people told us they make resolutions anytime they feel like it.
Tanya, 15, says, "I believe that people can make a resolution and change their life any day of the year if they want, it doesn't have to be on New Year's."
Jamie, 16, says, "I'm continually making goals. When I need to make a change, I do it — I won't wait for a new year to make my life different."
Mary Kate, 13, says, "It feels more like a new year in September when I start a new school year and everything is different."
So if you think you'd like to make a change, why not make a prom season, summer vacation, back-to-school, or other resolution?
And if you're happy with how things are at the moment and can't think of anything you want to work on, celebrate yourself! Like Arielle, 13, who told us, "I didn't make a New Year's resolution because I am happy how my life is set and I don't think I need to change anything."
Read More ..
We gave our survey-takers examples of some common types of resolutions and asked if their resolutions fit into these categories. Here's how the goals we asked about ranked in terms of popularity:
1. Lose weight.
2. Do something for personal development (e.g., learn a new skill or hobby, overcome shyness, be nicer to others).
3. Do better in school.
4. Get more exercise.
5. Kick a bad habit (e.g., smoking or cutting).
Making It Happen . . .
To reach a goal, it helps to have a plan with specific steps. It also helps to tell your goal to someone you trust — supportive friends and family come in very handy for those times when your willpower's doing a couch potato act.But do people really make plans and ask for support? Or do they just wing it? Our survey says it's a bit of both: 55% of our survey-takers said they made specific plans, but 45% said they just let things happen. And while 49% shared their resolution with someone else, 51% preferred to keep it private.
The people who do plan and share their goals gave us lots of tips on making it work. For example:
Kyla, 13, says, "I make plans about eating and exercising, and I plan what I am going to do when I reach my desired weight. I encourage myself every day."
Anne, 16, says, "I look at a sheet of paper where I have written down all of my dreams."
Sarah, 14, says, "I make a list because I like to tick things off when I get them done, and I feel guilty when I'm not able to tick them off, so it keeps me on track."
Liliana, 15, says, "I talk to my family about it - it really works!"
Jasmine, 17, says, "I go to the gym with my sister."
Kaylee, 14, says she gets support from "talking to my boyfriend and him telling me that he is really proud of me."
The people who love you can help you stick with a goal or make a change. But what about the people who just pretend to care? Ondrea, 13, says, "Friends can also be a bad influence." She told us she needs to stay away from the people she hung out with last year if she's going to keep her resolution.
. . . or Not
It can be tough to stick with a goal for a long time, especially when you don't have the right support. Of the people in our survey who gave up on their resolutions, most (39%) said it was because they couldn't get motivated to do it.
The fact that so many people give up on resolutions is one reason why 23% of our survey-takers said they don't make any resolutions at all. "I wouldn't be able to keep the resolution, I never do," says Maritza, 18.
Staying Positive
Although some people do give up, our survey shows that most of you are definitely not quitters. An impressive 92% of our survey-takers are still on target to meet their goals.
What's even more impressive is that more than a third of them say they slipped up but then got back on track again. That's hard to do. When people stray from their goals, it's tempting to give up altogether. But slip-ups are actually part of the learning process. Congratulations to everyone who recognized this and recommitted to their resolution!
Our respondents are optimistic about reaching their goals — and that optimism may help keep them on track. Genevieve, 13, told us, "I want more than anything in the world to be on Broadway or the West End." This girl isn't just dreaming, though. She's enrolled in stage school and is taking classes. "I love to sing, dance, and act and you know what? I'm going to do it!" Genevieve says. "Watch this space!"
Thinking positively helps people achieve goals. And Genevieve's pretty typical of our respondents:
* Half of respondents said they were "very confident" that they'd reach their goals.
* 43% reported that they were "somewhat confident" they'd reach their goals.
* Only 7% of our survey-takers said they didn't think they'd make it.
Optimism brings success. And success in turn can help people stay motivated to keep going. Tiffany, 17, made a resolution to get more exercise because she was feeling out of shape. She told us, "After 1 week of staying on track, I realized I felt energized, slept better, and my confidence went up." Tiffany is very confident that she will continue exercising.
Angie, 13, says, "My friends help me keep my mind off junk foods. Since they know I'm not eating them anymore they watch what I eat. But, honestly, I don't crave junk food anymore."
Staying Motivated
Recognizing and enjoying small successes is one motivator for people who are trying to stick with a resolution. Here are some of the other things that keep our readers going:
A little competitive spirit works for Yusra, 13, who told us, "I play soccer a lot with my friends and that motivates me, especially when I'm losing. Also, I play with my dad and his friends and they are really big and strong so that also drives me to do better when I play with them."
Nick, 14, is already good at football. He could stop there, but he wants to push himself to get even better. To improve his skills he says, "I watch my old tapes every day."
Brigid, 15, made a resolution to get into her school's spring musical. "Since this is my first year in high school, it was harder to get in," she said. "I practiced my audition piece a lot and did my best at the tryouts." Brigid's work paid off, and she was able to tell us, "I made it!"
Amanda, 15, told us, "When I saw my last grade report it had a C on it. It made me upset because I didn't try as hard as I could have. To stay motivated and inspired I just keep looking back on that grade report and say to myself, 'I know I can do better than that.' "
Taking inspiration from someone or something else also helps many of you. Lots of readers talked about looking up to someone they knew who had accomplished a goal. One 13-year-old girl who wants to lose weight to manage her diabetes told us, "I picture my aunt because she had diabetes and did it, so I can do it too."
Another 13-year-old who is trying to overcome a cutting problem told us, "Cutting is a bad habit that is hard to break. I try to think about what my school guidance counselor told me and how much my teachers and counselor care."
When Times Are Tough
A number of you made resolutions to help overcome serious difficulties. Some of the people who took our survey said they had been hospitalized for depression, eating disorders, and even attempted suicide. One 14-year-old told us that she is motivated to work through her problems because "I don't want to end up back in the hospital or dead."
If things are really tough, making a resolution to change often isn't enough. It can be hard to stay motivated when you're doing it alone. People with serious problems need help from friends and family. Fortunately, lots of you get it.
Dana and Tina (not their real names) are two 14-year-old friends who wrote to share their experience. Dana told us her resolution is to "keep helping my friend [Tina] in rehab for an eating disorder and to get her out and keep her healthy when she is ready."
Tina told us how it happened. "I had a really bad smoking and drinking habit, and I suffer from an eating disorder. I decided I wanted to become healthy, but it was hard so I stopped trying and kept starving myself and smoking and drinking. But it was my best friend who caught me forcing myself to throw up."
"I caught her outside puking purposely," Dana told us. "I convinced her life was ticking away like a timer, and she said she needed help. So I told her parents and now instead of shopping I spend money going to see her [in rehab]. I think [she] appreciates it."
"She is my life saver," says Tina. "Thanks to her I have already achieved one step in my goal. I admitted I have a problem and got help."
If you're struggling with some heavy problems, admitting them and reaching out to a friend for help is the first step to recovery. Sometimes friends even see problems before the person is ready to recognize them. If you're feeling too depressed or down on yourself that you can't even get motivated to change, talk to someone. And listen when a friend like Dana gets up the nerve to talk to you about your troubles.
Focus on Accomplishments, Not Failures
If you've made a resolution that's a struggle to keep, it can help to focus on the little things that you achieve, rather than thinking about what you've done wrong or when you've slipped up.
Tell yourself how much better you feel. Like Ariel, 14, who says, "I think of how much healthier I'm eating and how eating an apple instead of a piece of cake makes you feel better." Or Alexis, 13, who says, "When I cut down 'media' time and go for a run, the gym, or play outside, I feel refreshed, and healthy."
Give yourself rewards, like Anna, 13, who stays motivated to get schoolwork and studying done because "afterwards I can use the Internet and watch TV."
Most of all, take it easy on yourself. "Just take it one day at a time, then a week, then a month - and then it will be a year!" says Katherine, 13.
Change Comes More Than Once a Year
A new year isn't the only time to make a change for the better. In fact, quite a few people told us they make resolutions anytime they feel like it.
Tanya, 15, says, "I believe that people can make a resolution and change their life any day of the year if they want, it doesn't have to be on New Year's."
Jamie, 16, says, "I'm continually making goals. When I need to make a change, I do it — I won't wait for a new year to make my life different."
Mary Kate, 13, says, "It feels more like a new year in September when I start a new school year and everything is different."
So if you think you'd like to make a change, why not make a prom season, summer vacation, back-to-school, or other resolution?
And if you're happy with how things are at the moment and can't think of anything you want to work on, celebrate yourself! Like Arielle, 13, who told us, "I didn't make a New Year's resolution because I am happy how my life is set and I don't think I need to change anything."
Read More ..
5 Ways to Fight Depression
If you feel depressed, it's best to do something about it — depression doesn't just go away on its own. In addition to getting help from a doctor or therapist, here are 5 things you can do to feel better.
1. Exercise. Take a 15- to 30-minute brisk walk every day — or dance, jog, or bike if you prefer. People who are depressed may not feel much like being active. But make yourself do it anyway (ask a friend to exercise with you if you need to be motivated). Once you get in the exercise habit, it won't take long to notice a difference in your mood.
In addition to getting aerobic exercise, some yoga poses can help relieve feelings of depression. Try downward-facing dog or legs-up-the-wall pose (you can find these poses on yoga websites). Two other aspects of yoga — breathing exercises and meditation — can also help people with depression feel better.
2. Nurture yourself with good nutrition. Depression can affect appetite. One person may not feel like eating at all, but another might overeat. If depression has affected your eating, you'll need to be extra mindful of getting the right nourishment. Proper nutrition can influence a person's mood and energy. So eat plenty of fruits and vegetables and get regular meals (even if you don't feel hungry, try to eat something light, like a piece of fruit, to keep you going).
3. Identify troubles, but don't dwell on them. Try to identify any situations that have contributed to your depression. When you know what's got you feeling blue and why, talk about it with a caring friend. Talking is a way to release the feelings and to receive some understanding. If there's no one to tell, pouring your heart out to a journal works just as well.
Once you air out these thoughts and feelings, turn your attention to something positive. Take action to solve problems. Ask for help if you need it. Feeling connected to friends and family can help relieve depression. (It may also help them feel there's something they can do instead of just watching you hurt.)
4. Express yourself. With depression, a person's creativity and sense of fun may seem blocked. By exercising your imagination (painting, drawing, doodling, sewing, writing, dancing, composing music, etc.) you not only get those creative juices flowing, you also loosen up some positive emotions. Take time to play with a friend or a pet, or do something fun for yourself. Find something to laugh about — a funny movie, perhaps. Laughter helps lighten your mood.
5. Look on the bright side. Depression affects a person's thoughts, making everything seem dismal, negative, and hopeless. If depression has you noticing only the negative, make an effort to notice the good things in life. Try to notice one thing, then try to think of one more. Consider your strengths, gifts, or blessings. Most of all, don't forget to be patient with yourself. Depression takes time to heal.
Read More ..
1. Exercise. Take a 15- to 30-minute brisk walk every day — or dance, jog, or bike if you prefer. People who are depressed may not feel much like being active. But make yourself do it anyway (ask a friend to exercise with you if you need to be motivated). Once you get in the exercise habit, it won't take long to notice a difference in your mood.
In addition to getting aerobic exercise, some yoga poses can help relieve feelings of depression. Try downward-facing dog or legs-up-the-wall pose (you can find these poses on yoga websites). Two other aspects of yoga — breathing exercises and meditation — can also help people with depression feel better.
2. Nurture yourself with good nutrition. Depression can affect appetite. One person may not feel like eating at all, but another might overeat. If depression has affected your eating, you'll need to be extra mindful of getting the right nourishment. Proper nutrition can influence a person's mood and energy. So eat plenty of fruits and vegetables and get regular meals (even if you don't feel hungry, try to eat something light, like a piece of fruit, to keep you going).
3. Identify troubles, but don't dwell on them. Try to identify any situations that have contributed to your depression. When you know what's got you feeling blue and why, talk about it with a caring friend. Talking is a way to release the feelings and to receive some understanding. If there's no one to tell, pouring your heart out to a journal works just as well.
Once you air out these thoughts and feelings, turn your attention to something positive. Take action to solve problems. Ask for help if you need it. Feeling connected to friends and family can help relieve depression. (It may also help them feel there's something they can do instead of just watching you hurt.)
4. Express yourself. With depression, a person's creativity and sense of fun may seem blocked. By exercising your imagination (painting, drawing, doodling, sewing, writing, dancing, composing music, etc.) you not only get those creative juices flowing, you also loosen up some positive emotions. Take time to play with a friend or a pet, or do something fun for yourself. Find something to laugh about — a funny movie, perhaps. Laughter helps lighten your mood.
5. Look on the bright side. Depression affects a person's thoughts, making everything seem dismal, negative, and hopeless. If depression has you noticing only the negative, make an effort to notice the good things in life. Try to notice one thing, then try to think of one more. Consider your strengths, gifts, or blessings. Most of all, don't forget to be patient with yourself. Depression takes time to heal.
Read More ..
DePression
Lately Lindsay hasn't felt like herself. Her friends have noticed it, too. Kia was surprised when Lindsay turned down her invitation to go to the mall last Saturday (Lindsay could always be counted on to shop!). There was really no reason not to go, but Lindsay just didn't feel like it. Instead, she spent most of Saturday sleeping.
Staying in more than usual isn't the only change in Lindsay. She's always been a really good student. But over the past couple of months her grades have fallen and she has trouble concentrating. She forgot to turn in a paper that was due and is having a hard time getting motivated to study for her finals.
Lindsay feels tired all the time but has difficulty falling asleep. She's gained weight too. When her mother asks her what's wrong, Lindsay just feels like crying. But she doesn't know why. Nothing particularly bad has happened. Yet Lindsay feels sad all the time and can't shake it.
Lindsay may not realize it yet, but she is depressed.
Depression is very common and affects as many as 1 in 8 people in their teen years. Depression affects people of every color, race, economic status, or age; however, it does seem to affect more girls than guys.
How Do People Respond to Someone Who's Depressed?
Sometimes friends or family members recognize that someone is depressed. They may respond with love, kindness, or support, hoping that the sadness will soon pass. They may offer to listen if the person wants to talk. If the depressed feeling doesn't pass with a little time, friends or loved ones may encourage the person to get help from a doctor, therapist, or counselor.
But not everyone recognizes depression when it happens to someone they know.
Some people don't really understand about depression. For example, they may react to a depressed person's low energy with criticism, yelling at the person for acting lazy or not trying harder. Some people mistakenly believe that depression is just an attitude or a mood that a person can shake off. It's not that easy.
Sometimes even people who are depressed don't take their condition seriously enough. Some people feel that they are weak in some way because they are depressed. This is wrong — and it can even be harmful if it causes people to hide their depression and avoid getting help.
Occasionally, when depression causes physical symptoms (things like headaches or other stress-related problems), a person may see a doctor. Once in a while, even a well-meaning doctor may not realize a person is depressed, and just treat the physical symptoms.
Why Do People Get Depressed?
There is no single cause for depression. Many factors play a role including genetics, environment, life events, medical conditions, and the way people react to things that happen in their lives.
Genetics
Research shows that depression runs in families and that some people inherit genes that make it more likely for them to get depressed. Not everyone who has the genetic makeup for depression gets depressed, though. And many people who have no family history of depression have the condition. So although genes are one factor, they aren't the single cause of depression.
Life Events
The death of a family member, friend, or pet can go beyond normal grief and sometimes lead to depression. Other difficult life events, such as when parents divorce, separate, or remarry, can trigger depression. Even events like moving or changing schools can be emotionally challenging enough that a person becomes depressed.
Family and Social Environment
For some teens, a negative, stressful, or unhappy family atmosphere can affect their self-esteem and lead to depression. This can also include high-stress living situations such as poverty; homelessness; and violence in the family, relationships, or community.
Substance use and abuse also can cause chemical changes in the brain that affect mood — alcohol and some drugs are known to have depressant effects. The negative social and personal consequences of substance abuse also can lead to severe unhappiness and depression.
Medical Conditions
Certain medical conditions can affect hormone balance and therefore have an effect on mood. Some conditions, such as hypothyroidism, are known to cause a depressed mood in some people. When these medical conditions are diagnosed and treated by a doctor, the depression usually disappears.
For some teens, undiagnosed learning disabilities might block school success, hormonal changes might affect mood, or physical illness might present challenges or setbacks.
What Happens in the Brain When Someone Is Depressed?
Depression involves the brain's delicate chemistry — specifically, it involves chemicals called neurotransmitters. These chemicals help send messages between nerve cells in the brain. Certain neurotransmitters regulate mood, and if they run low, people can become depressed, anxious, and stressed. Stress also can affect the balance of neurotransmitters and lead to depression.
Sometimes, a person may experience depression without being able to point to any particular sad or stressful event. People who have a genetic predisposition to depression may be more prone to the imbalance of neurotransmitter activity that is part of depression.
Medications that doctors use to treat depression work by helping to restore the proper balance of neurotransmitters.
Types of Depression
For some people, depression can be intense and occur in bouts that last for weeks at a time. For others, depression can be less severe but can linger at a low level for years.
Doctors who treat depression distinguish between these two types of depression. They call the more severe, short-lasting type major depression, and the longer-lasting but less severe form dysthymia (pronounced: diss-thy-me-uh).
A third form of depression that doctors may diagnose is called adjustment disorder with depressed mood. This diagnosis refers to a depressive reaction to a specific life event (such as a death, divorce, or other loss), when adjusting to the loss takes longer than the normally expected timeframe or is more severe than expected and interferes with the person's daily activities.
Bipolar disorder (also sometimes called manic depressive illness) is another depressive condition that involves periods of major depression mixed with periods of mania. Mania is the term for abnormally high mood and extreme bursts of unusual activity or energy.
What Are the Symptoms of Depression?
Symptoms that people have when they're depressed can include:
* depressed mood or sadness most of the time (for what may seem like no reason)
* lack of energy and feeling tired all the time
* inability to enjoy things that used to bring pleasure
* withdrawal from friends and family
* irritability, anger, or anxiety
* inability to concentrate
* significant weight loss or gain
* significant change in sleep patterns (inability to fall asleep, stay asleep, or get up in the morning)
* feelings of guilt or worthlessness
* aches and pains (with no known medical cause)
* pessimism and indifference (not caring about anything in the present or future)
* thoughts of death or suicide
When someone has five or more of these symptoms most of the time for 2 weeks or longer, that person is probably depressed.
Teens who are depressed may show other warning signs or symptoms, such as lack of interest or motivation, poor concentration, and low mental energy caused by depression. They also might have increased problems at school because of skipped classes.
Some teens with depression have other problems, too, and these can intensify feelings of worthlessness or inner pain. For example, people who cut themselves or who have eating disorders may have unrecognized depression that needs attention.
How Is Depression Different From Regular Sadness?
Everyone has some ups and downs, and sadness is a natural emotion. The normal stresses of life can lead anyone to feel sad every once in a while. Things like an argument with a friend, a breakup, doing poorly on a test, not being chosen for a team, or a best friend moving out of town can lead to feelings of sadness, hurt, disappointment, or grief. These reactions are usually brief and go away with a little time and care.
Depression is more than occasionally feeling blue, sad, or down in the dumps, though. Depression is a strong mood involving sadness, discouragement, despair, or hopelessness that lasts for weeks, months, or even longer. It interferes with a person's ability to participate in normal activities.
Depression affects a person's thoughts, outlook, and behavior as well as mood. In addition to a depressed mood, a person with depression can also feel tired, irritable, and notice changes in appetite.
When someone has depression, it can cloud everything. The world looks bleak and the person's thoughts reflect that hopelessness and helplessness. People with depression tend to have negative and self-critical thoughts. Sometimes, despite their true value, people with depression can feel worthless and unlovable.
Because of feelings of sadness and low energy, people with depression may pull away from those around them or from activities they once enjoyed. This usually makes them feel more lonely and isolated, making the depression and negative thinking worse.
Depression can be mild or severe. At its worst, depression can create such feelings of despair that a person thinks about suicide.
Depression can cause physical symptoms, too. Some people have an upset stomach, loss of appetite, weight gain or loss, headaches, and sleeping problems when they're depressed.
Getting Help
Depression is one of the most common emotional problems in the United States and around the world. The good news is that it's also one of the most treatable conditions. Therapists and other professionals can help. In fact, about 80% of people who get help for their depression have a better quality of life — they feel better and enjoy themselves in a way that they weren't able to before.
Treatment for depression can include talk therapy, medication, or a combination of both.
Talk therapy with a mental health professional is very effective in treating depression. Therapy sessions can help people understand more about why they feel depressed, and ways to combat it.
Sometimes, doctors prescribe medicine for a person who has depression. When prescribing medicine, a doctor will carefully monitor patients to make sure they get the right dose. The doctor will adjust the dose as necessary. It can take a few weeks before the person feels the medicine working. Because every person's brain is different, what works well for one person might not be good for another.
Everyone can benefit from mood-boosting activities like exercise, yoga, dance, journaling, or art. It can also help to keep busy no matter how tired you feel.
People who are depressed shouldn't wait and hope it will go away on its own because depression can be effectively treated. Friends or others need to step in if someone seems severely depressed and isn't getting help.
Many people find that it helps to open up to parents or other adults they trust. Simply saying, "I've been feeling really down lately and I think I'm depressed," can be a good way to begin the discussion. Ask your parent to arrange an appointment with a therapist. If a parent or family member can't help, turn to your school counselor, best friend, or a helpline to get help.
When Depression Is Severe
People who are extremely depressed and who may be thinking about hurting themselves or about suicide need help as soon as possible. When depression is this severe, it is a very real medical emergency, and an adult must be notified. Most communities have suicide hotlines where people can get guidance and support in an emergency.
Although it's important to be supportive, trying to cheer up a friend or reasoning with him or her probably won't work to help depression or suicidal feelings go away. Depression can be so strong that it outweighs a person's ability to respond to reason. Even if your friend has asked you to promise not to tell, severe depression is a situation where telling can save a life. The most important thing a depressed person can do is to get help. If you or a friend feels unsafe or out of control, get help now. Tell a trusted adult, call 911, or go to the emergency room.
Depression doesn't mean a person is "crazy." Depression (and the suffering that goes with it) is a real and recognized medical problem. Just as things can go wrong in all other organs of the body, things can go wrong in the most important organ of all: the brain. Luckily, most teens who get help for their depression go on to enjoy life and feel better about themselves.
Read More ..
Staying in more than usual isn't the only change in Lindsay. She's always been a really good student. But over the past couple of months her grades have fallen and she has trouble concentrating. She forgot to turn in a paper that was due and is having a hard time getting motivated to study for her finals.
Lindsay feels tired all the time but has difficulty falling asleep. She's gained weight too. When her mother asks her what's wrong, Lindsay just feels like crying. But she doesn't know why. Nothing particularly bad has happened. Yet Lindsay feels sad all the time and can't shake it.
Lindsay may not realize it yet, but she is depressed.
Depression is very common and affects as many as 1 in 8 people in their teen years. Depression affects people of every color, race, economic status, or age; however, it does seem to affect more girls than guys.
How Do People Respond to Someone Who's Depressed?
Sometimes friends or family members recognize that someone is depressed. They may respond with love, kindness, or support, hoping that the sadness will soon pass. They may offer to listen if the person wants to talk. If the depressed feeling doesn't pass with a little time, friends or loved ones may encourage the person to get help from a doctor, therapist, or counselor.
But not everyone recognizes depression when it happens to someone they know.
Some people don't really understand about depression. For example, they may react to a depressed person's low energy with criticism, yelling at the person for acting lazy or not trying harder. Some people mistakenly believe that depression is just an attitude or a mood that a person can shake off. It's not that easy.
Sometimes even people who are depressed don't take their condition seriously enough. Some people feel that they are weak in some way because they are depressed. This is wrong — and it can even be harmful if it causes people to hide their depression and avoid getting help.
Occasionally, when depression causes physical symptoms (things like headaches or other stress-related problems), a person may see a doctor. Once in a while, even a well-meaning doctor may not realize a person is depressed, and just treat the physical symptoms.
Why Do People Get Depressed?
There is no single cause for depression. Many factors play a role including genetics, environment, life events, medical conditions, and the way people react to things that happen in their lives.
Genetics
Research shows that depression runs in families and that some people inherit genes that make it more likely for them to get depressed. Not everyone who has the genetic makeup for depression gets depressed, though. And many people who have no family history of depression have the condition. So although genes are one factor, they aren't the single cause of depression.
Life Events
The death of a family member, friend, or pet can go beyond normal grief and sometimes lead to depression. Other difficult life events, such as when parents divorce, separate, or remarry, can trigger depression. Even events like moving or changing schools can be emotionally challenging enough that a person becomes depressed.
Family and Social Environment
For some teens, a negative, stressful, or unhappy family atmosphere can affect their self-esteem and lead to depression. This can also include high-stress living situations such as poverty; homelessness; and violence in the family, relationships, or community.
Substance use and abuse also can cause chemical changes in the brain that affect mood — alcohol and some drugs are known to have depressant effects. The negative social and personal consequences of substance abuse also can lead to severe unhappiness and depression.
Medical Conditions
Certain medical conditions can affect hormone balance and therefore have an effect on mood. Some conditions, such as hypothyroidism, are known to cause a depressed mood in some people. When these medical conditions are diagnosed and treated by a doctor, the depression usually disappears.
For some teens, undiagnosed learning disabilities might block school success, hormonal changes might affect mood, or physical illness might present challenges or setbacks.
What Happens in the Brain When Someone Is Depressed?
Depression involves the brain's delicate chemistry — specifically, it involves chemicals called neurotransmitters. These chemicals help send messages between nerve cells in the brain. Certain neurotransmitters regulate mood, and if they run low, people can become depressed, anxious, and stressed. Stress also can affect the balance of neurotransmitters and lead to depression.
Sometimes, a person may experience depression without being able to point to any particular sad or stressful event. People who have a genetic predisposition to depression may be more prone to the imbalance of neurotransmitter activity that is part of depression.
Medications that doctors use to treat depression work by helping to restore the proper balance of neurotransmitters.
Types of Depression
For some people, depression can be intense and occur in bouts that last for weeks at a time. For others, depression can be less severe but can linger at a low level for years.
Doctors who treat depression distinguish between these two types of depression. They call the more severe, short-lasting type major depression, and the longer-lasting but less severe form dysthymia (pronounced: diss-thy-me-uh).
A third form of depression that doctors may diagnose is called adjustment disorder with depressed mood. This diagnosis refers to a depressive reaction to a specific life event (such as a death, divorce, or other loss), when adjusting to the loss takes longer than the normally expected timeframe or is more severe than expected and interferes with the person's daily activities.
Bipolar disorder (also sometimes called manic depressive illness) is another depressive condition that involves periods of major depression mixed with periods of mania. Mania is the term for abnormally high mood and extreme bursts of unusual activity or energy.
What Are the Symptoms of Depression?
Symptoms that people have when they're depressed can include:
* depressed mood or sadness most of the time (for what may seem like no reason)
* lack of energy and feeling tired all the time
* inability to enjoy things that used to bring pleasure
* withdrawal from friends and family
* irritability, anger, or anxiety
* inability to concentrate
* significant weight loss or gain
* significant change in sleep patterns (inability to fall asleep, stay asleep, or get up in the morning)
* feelings of guilt or worthlessness
* aches and pains (with no known medical cause)
* pessimism and indifference (not caring about anything in the present or future)
* thoughts of death or suicide
When someone has five or more of these symptoms most of the time for 2 weeks or longer, that person is probably depressed.
Teens who are depressed may show other warning signs or symptoms, such as lack of interest or motivation, poor concentration, and low mental energy caused by depression. They also might have increased problems at school because of skipped classes.
Some teens with depression have other problems, too, and these can intensify feelings of worthlessness or inner pain. For example, people who cut themselves or who have eating disorders may have unrecognized depression that needs attention.
How Is Depression Different From Regular Sadness?
Everyone has some ups and downs, and sadness is a natural emotion. The normal stresses of life can lead anyone to feel sad every once in a while. Things like an argument with a friend, a breakup, doing poorly on a test, not being chosen for a team, or a best friend moving out of town can lead to feelings of sadness, hurt, disappointment, or grief. These reactions are usually brief and go away with a little time and care.
Depression is more than occasionally feeling blue, sad, or down in the dumps, though. Depression is a strong mood involving sadness, discouragement, despair, or hopelessness that lasts for weeks, months, or even longer. It interferes with a person's ability to participate in normal activities.
Depression affects a person's thoughts, outlook, and behavior as well as mood. In addition to a depressed mood, a person with depression can also feel tired, irritable, and notice changes in appetite.
When someone has depression, it can cloud everything. The world looks bleak and the person's thoughts reflect that hopelessness and helplessness. People with depression tend to have negative and self-critical thoughts. Sometimes, despite their true value, people with depression can feel worthless and unlovable.
Because of feelings of sadness and low energy, people with depression may pull away from those around them or from activities they once enjoyed. This usually makes them feel more lonely and isolated, making the depression and negative thinking worse.
Depression can be mild or severe. At its worst, depression can create such feelings of despair that a person thinks about suicide.
Depression can cause physical symptoms, too. Some people have an upset stomach, loss of appetite, weight gain or loss, headaches, and sleeping problems when they're depressed.
Getting Help
Depression is one of the most common emotional problems in the United States and around the world. The good news is that it's also one of the most treatable conditions. Therapists and other professionals can help. In fact, about 80% of people who get help for their depression have a better quality of life — they feel better and enjoy themselves in a way that they weren't able to before.
Treatment for depression can include talk therapy, medication, or a combination of both.
Talk therapy with a mental health professional is very effective in treating depression. Therapy sessions can help people understand more about why they feel depressed, and ways to combat it.
Sometimes, doctors prescribe medicine for a person who has depression. When prescribing medicine, a doctor will carefully monitor patients to make sure they get the right dose. The doctor will adjust the dose as necessary. It can take a few weeks before the person feels the medicine working. Because every person's brain is different, what works well for one person might not be good for another.
Everyone can benefit from mood-boosting activities like exercise, yoga, dance, journaling, or art. It can also help to keep busy no matter how tired you feel.
People who are depressed shouldn't wait and hope it will go away on its own because depression can be effectively treated. Friends or others need to step in if someone seems severely depressed and isn't getting help.
Many people find that it helps to open up to parents or other adults they trust. Simply saying, "I've been feeling really down lately and I think I'm depressed," can be a good way to begin the discussion. Ask your parent to arrange an appointment with a therapist. If a parent or family member can't help, turn to your school counselor, best friend, or a helpline to get help.
When Depression Is Severe
People who are extremely depressed and who may be thinking about hurting themselves or about suicide need help as soon as possible. When depression is this severe, it is a very real medical emergency, and an adult must be notified. Most communities have suicide hotlines where people can get guidance and support in an emergency.
Although it's important to be supportive, trying to cheer up a friend or reasoning with him or her probably won't work to help depression or suicidal feelings go away. Depression can be so strong that it outweighs a person's ability to respond to reason. Even if your friend has asked you to promise not to tell, severe depression is a situation where telling can save a life. The most important thing a depressed person can do is to get help. If you or a friend feels unsafe or out of control, get help now. Tell a trusted adult, call 911, or go to the emergency room.
Depression doesn't mean a person is "crazy." Depression (and the suffering that goes with it) is a real and recognized medical problem. Just as things can go wrong in all other organs of the body, things can go wrong in the most important organ of all: the brain. Luckily, most teens who get help for their depression go on to enjoy life and feel better about themselves.
Read More ..
YoUr MinD
DeaLing WitH Divorce
For many people, their parents' divorce marks a turning point in their lives, whether the divorce happened many years ago or is taking place right now.
About half the marriages in the United States today end in divorce, so children of divorce are certainly not alone. But when it happens to you, you can feel very alone and unsure of what it all means. It may seem hard, but it is possible to cope with divorce — and have a good family life in spite of some changes divorce may bring.
Why Are My Parents Divorcing?
Parents divorce for many reasons. Usually divorce happens when couples feel they can no longer live together due to fighting and anger, or because the love they had when they married has changed. Divorce can also be because one parent falls in love with someone else, and sometimes it is due to a serious problem like drinking, abuse, or gambling.
It's common for teens to think that their parents' divorce is somehow their fault, but nothing could be further from the truth. Some teens may wonder if they could have helped to prevent the split. Others may wish they had prevented arguments by cooperating more within the family, doing better with their behavior, or getting better grades. But separation and divorce are a result of a couple's problems with each other, not with their kids. The decisions adults make about divorce are their own.
If your parents are divorcing, you may experience a lots of feelings. Your emotions may change frequently, too. You may feel angry, frustrated, upset, or sad. You might feel protective of one parent or blame one for the situation. You may feel abandoned, afraid, worried, or guilty. You may also feel relieved, especially if there has been a lot of tension at home. These feelings are normal and talking about them with a friend, family member or trusted adult can really help.
How Will Divorce Change My Life?
Depending on what happens in your family, you may have to adjust to many changes. These could include things like moving, changing schools, spending time with both parents separately, and perhaps dealing with parents' unpleasant feelings toward one another.
Your parents may go to court to determine custody arrangements. You may end up living with one parent most of the time and visiting the other, or your parents may split their time with you evenly.
Some teens have to travel between parents, and that may create challenges both socially and practically. But with time you can create a new routine that works. Often, it takes a while for custody arrangements to be finalized. This can give people time to adapt to these big changes and let families figure out what works best.
Money matters may change for your parents, too. A parent who didn't work during the marriage may need to find a job to pay for rent or a mortgage. This might be something a parent is excited about, but he or she may also feel nervous or pressured about finances. There are also expenses associated with divorce, from lawyers' fees to the cost of moving to a new place to live.
Your family may not be able to afford all the things you were used to before the divorce. This is one of the difficult changes often associated with divorce. There can be good changes too — but how you cope with the stressful changes depends on your situation, your personality, and your support network.
What Parents and Teens Can Do to Make Divorce Easier
Keep the peace. Dealing with divorce is easiest when parents get along. Teens find it especially hard when their parents fight and argue or act with bitterness toward each other. You can't do much to influence how your parents behave during a divorce, but you can ask them to do their best to call a truce to any bickering or unkind things they might be saying about each other. No matter what problems a couple may face, as parents they need to handle visiting arrangements peacefully to minimize the stress their kids may feel.
Be fair. Most teens say it's important that parents don't try to get them to "take sides." You need to feel free to relate to one parent without the other parent acting jealous, hurt, or mad. It's unfair for anyone to feel that relating to one parent is being disloyal to the other or that the burden of one parent's happiness is on your shoulders.
When parents find it hard to let go of bitterness or anger, or if they are depressed about the changes brought on by divorce, they can find help from a counselor or therapist. This can help parents get past the pain divorce may have created, to find personal happiness, and to lift any burdens from their kids. Kids and teens can also benefit from seeing a family therapist or someone who specializes in helping them get through the stress of a family breakup.
Keep in touch. Going back and forth between two homes can be tough, especially if parents live far apart. It can be a good idea to keep in touch with a parent you see less often because of distance. Even a quick email saying "I'm thinking of you" helps ease the feelings of missing each other. Making an effort to stay in touch when you're apart can keep both of you up to date on everyday activities and ideas.
Work it out. You may want both parents to come to special events, like games, meets, plays, or recitals. But sometimes a parent may find it awkward to attend if the other is present. It helps if parents can figure out a way to make this work, especially because you may need to feel the support and presence of both parents even more during divorce. You might be able to come up with an idea for a compromise or solution to this problem and suggest it to both parents.
Talk about the future. Lots of teens whose parents divorce worry that their own plans for the future could be affected. Some are concerned that the costs of divorce (like legal fees and expenses of two households) might mean there will be less money for college or other things.
Pick a good time to tell your parents about your concerns — when there's enough time to sit down with one or both parents to discuss how the divorce will affect you. Don't worry about putting added stress on your parents. It's better to bring your concerns into the open than to keep them to yourself and let worries or resentment build. There are solutions for most problems and counselors who can help teens and their parents find those solutions.
Figure out your strengths. How do you deal with stress? Do you get angry and take it out on siblings, friends, or yourself? Or are you someone who is a more of a pleaser who puts others first? Do you tend to avoid conflict altogether and just hope that problems will magically disappear? A life-changing event like a divorce can put people through some tough times, but it can also help them learn about their strengths, and put in place some new coping skills. For example, how can you cope if one parent bad-mouths another? Sometimes staying quiet until the anger has subsided and then discussing it calmly with your mom or dad can help. You may want to tell them you have a right to love both your parents, no matter what they are doing to each other.
If you need help figuring out your strengths or how to cope — like from a favorite aunt or from your school counselor — ask for it! And if you find it hard to confront your parents, try writing them a letter. Figure out what works for you.
Live your life. Sometimes during a divorce, parents may be so caught up in their own changes it can feel like your own life is on hold. In addition to staying focused on your own plans and dreams, make sure you participate in as many of your normal activities as possible. When things are changing at home, it can really help to keep some things, such as school activities and friends, the same. If things get too hard at home, see if you can stay with a friend or relative until things calm down. Take care of yourself by eating right and getting regular exercise — two great stress busters!
Let others support you. Talk about your feelings and reactions to the divorce with someone you trust. If you're feeling down or upset, let your friends and family members support you. These feelings usually pass. If they don't, and if you're feeling depressed or stressed out, or if it's hard to concentrate on your normal activities, let a counselor or therapist help you. Your parents, school counselor, or a doctor or other health professional can help you find one. Many communities and schools have support groups for kids and teens whose parents have divorced. It can really help to talk with other people your age who are going through similar experiences.
Bringing Out the Positive
There will be ups and downs in the process, but teens can cope successfully with their parents' divorce and the changes it brings. You may even discover some unexpected positives. Many teens find their parents are actually happier after the divorce or they may develop new and better ways of relating to both parents when they have separate time with each one.
Some teens learn compassion and caring skills when a younger brother or sister needs their support and care. Siblings who are closer in age may form tighter bonds, learning to count on each other more because they're facing the challenges of their parents' divorce together. Coping well with divorce also can bring out strength and maturity. Some become more responsible, better problem solvers, better listeners, or better friends. Looking back on the experience, lots of people say that they learned coping skills they never knew they had and feel stronger and more resilient as a result of what they went through.
Many movies have been made about divorce and stepfamilies — some with happy endings, some not. That's how it is in real life too. But most teens who go through a divorce learn (sometimes to their surprise) that they can make it through this difficult situation successfully. Giving it time, letting others support you along the way, and keeping an eye on the good things in your life can make all the difference.
Read More ..
For many people, their parents' divorce marks a turning point in their lives, whether the divorce happened many years ago or is taking place right now.
About half the marriages in the United States today end in divorce, so children of divorce are certainly not alone. But when it happens to you, you can feel very alone and unsure of what it all means. It may seem hard, but it is possible to cope with divorce — and have a good family life in spite of some changes divorce may bring.
Why Are My Parents Divorcing?
Parents divorce for many reasons. Usually divorce happens when couples feel they can no longer live together due to fighting and anger, or because the love they had when they married has changed. Divorce can also be because one parent falls in love with someone else, and sometimes it is due to a serious problem like drinking, abuse, or gambling.
It's common for teens to think that their parents' divorce is somehow their fault, but nothing could be further from the truth. Some teens may wonder if they could have helped to prevent the split. Others may wish they had prevented arguments by cooperating more within the family, doing better with their behavior, or getting better grades. But separation and divorce are a result of a couple's problems with each other, not with their kids. The decisions adults make about divorce are their own.
If your parents are divorcing, you may experience a lots of feelings. Your emotions may change frequently, too. You may feel angry, frustrated, upset, or sad. You might feel protective of one parent or blame one for the situation. You may feel abandoned, afraid, worried, or guilty. You may also feel relieved, especially if there has been a lot of tension at home. These feelings are normal and talking about them with a friend, family member or trusted adult can really help.
How Will Divorce Change My Life?
Depending on what happens in your family, you may have to adjust to many changes. These could include things like moving, changing schools, spending time with both parents separately, and perhaps dealing with parents' unpleasant feelings toward one another.
Your parents may go to court to determine custody arrangements. You may end up living with one parent most of the time and visiting the other, or your parents may split their time with you evenly.
Some teens have to travel between parents, and that may create challenges both socially and practically. But with time you can create a new routine that works. Often, it takes a while for custody arrangements to be finalized. This can give people time to adapt to these big changes and let families figure out what works best.
Money matters may change for your parents, too. A parent who didn't work during the marriage may need to find a job to pay for rent or a mortgage. This might be something a parent is excited about, but he or she may also feel nervous or pressured about finances. There are also expenses associated with divorce, from lawyers' fees to the cost of moving to a new place to live.
Your family may not be able to afford all the things you were used to before the divorce. This is one of the difficult changes often associated with divorce. There can be good changes too — but how you cope with the stressful changes depends on your situation, your personality, and your support network.
What Parents and Teens Can Do to Make Divorce Easier
Keep the peace. Dealing with divorce is easiest when parents get along. Teens find it especially hard when their parents fight and argue or act with bitterness toward each other. You can't do much to influence how your parents behave during a divorce, but you can ask them to do their best to call a truce to any bickering or unkind things they might be saying about each other. No matter what problems a couple may face, as parents they need to handle visiting arrangements peacefully to minimize the stress their kids may feel.
Be fair. Most teens say it's important that parents don't try to get them to "take sides." You need to feel free to relate to one parent without the other parent acting jealous, hurt, or mad. It's unfair for anyone to feel that relating to one parent is being disloyal to the other or that the burden of one parent's happiness is on your shoulders.
When parents find it hard to let go of bitterness or anger, or if they are depressed about the changes brought on by divorce, they can find help from a counselor or therapist. This can help parents get past the pain divorce may have created, to find personal happiness, and to lift any burdens from their kids. Kids and teens can also benefit from seeing a family therapist or someone who specializes in helping them get through the stress of a family breakup.
Keep in touch. Going back and forth between two homes can be tough, especially if parents live far apart. It can be a good idea to keep in touch with a parent you see less often because of distance. Even a quick email saying "I'm thinking of you" helps ease the feelings of missing each other. Making an effort to stay in touch when you're apart can keep both of you up to date on everyday activities and ideas.
Work it out. You may want both parents to come to special events, like games, meets, plays, or recitals. But sometimes a parent may find it awkward to attend if the other is present. It helps if parents can figure out a way to make this work, especially because you may need to feel the support and presence of both parents even more during divorce. You might be able to come up with an idea for a compromise or solution to this problem and suggest it to both parents.
Talk about the future. Lots of teens whose parents divorce worry that their own plans for the future could be affected. Some are concerned that the costs of divorce (like legal fees and expenses of two households) might mean there will be less money for college or other things.
Pick a good time to tell your parents about your concerns — when there's enough time to sit down with one or both parents to discuss how the divorce will affect you. Don't worry about putting added stress on your parents. It's better to bring your concerns into the open than to keep them to yourself and let worries or resentment build. There are solutions for most problems and counselors who can help teens and their parents find those solutions.
Figure out your strengths. How do you deal with stress? Do you get angry and take it out on siblings, friends, or yourself? Or are you someone who is a more of a pleaser who puts others first? Do you tend to avoid conflict altogether and just hope that problems will magically disappear? A life-changing event like a divorce can put people through some tough times, but it can also help them learn about their strengths, and put in place some new coping skills. For example, how can you cope if one parent bad-mouths another? Sometimes staying quiet until the anger has subsided and then discussing it calmly with your mom or dad can help. You may want to tell them you have a right to love both your parents, no matter what they are doing to each other.
If you need help figuring out your strengths or how to cope — like from a favorite aunt or from your school counselor — ask for it! And if you find it hard to confront your parents, try writing them a letter. Figure out what works for you.
Live your life. Sometimes during a divorce, parents may be so caught up in their own changes it can feel like your own life is on hold. In addition to staying focused on your own plans and dreams, make sure you participate in as many of your normal activities as possible. When things are changing at home, it can really help to keep some things, such as school activities and friends, the same. If things get too hard at home, see if you can stay with a friend or relative until things calm down. Take care of yourself by eating right and getting regular exercise — two great stress busters!
Let others support you. Talk about your feelings and reactions to the divorce with someone you trust. If you're feeling down or upset, let your friends and family members support you. These feelings usually pass. If they don't, and if you're feeling depressed or stressed out, or if it's hard to concentrate on your normal activities, let a counselor or therapist help you. Your parents, school counselor, or a doctor or other health professional can help you find one. Many communities and schools have support groups for kids and teens whose parents have divorced. It can really help to talk with other people your age who are going through similar experiences.
Bringing Out the Positive
There will be ups and downs in the process, but teens can cope successfully with their parents' divorce and the changes it brings. You may even discover some unexpected positives. Many teens find their parents are actually happier after the divorce or they may develop new and better ways of relating to both parents when they have separate time with each one.
Some teens learn compassion and caring skills when a younger brother or sister needs their support and care. Siblings who are closer in age may form tighter bonds, learning to count on each other more because they're facing the challenges of their parents' divorce together. Coping well with divorce also can bring out strength and maturity. Some become more responsible, better problem solvers, better listeners, or better friends. Looking back on the experience, lots of people say that they learned coping skills they never knew they had and feel stronger and more resilient as a result of what they went through.
Many movies have been made about divorce and stepfamilies — some with happy endings, some not. That's how it is in real life too. But most teens who go through a divorce learn (sometimes to their surprise) that they can make it through this difficult situation successfully. Giving it time, letting others support you along the way, and keeping an eye on the good things in your life can make all the difference.
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